45

This is the number of years God has blessed me with. Today marks 45 years of life.

My breath was given 45 years ago.

My life on this earth, in flesh, began 45 years ago.

I have found myself weepy as this day slowly approached. It wasn’t the feeling or thought of getting older but the age of my sister when she passed away. 45 may seem old to those who are younger, but for me, 45 is way too young.

This number gripped my heart. I didn’t realize 45 was a trigger word for me. Her life on this earth, in flesh, ended at 45.

On Saturday, I had an opportunity to mourn this reality. To mourn the loss of my sister, who departed way too young.  There was a community walk set up for people who lost a loved one. I showed up for the family and friends I know, but I showed up for me. I showed up to walk out my grief and to connect with God outside my typical environment. 

I walked along.

I find myself walking alone most days. Alone with God. This brings new life, new ways of seeing the world around me, and new ways of connecting with others. It’s not a lonely walk but a confident walk, knowing that I am never alone. And it is God who is always thinking of me, more than anyone else.

So today, as I did yesterday, I plan to celebrate myself, celebrate my life, and celebrate whatever time I have left to live and move and breathe. 

This feels like love, hope, and joy!